The World Can Sometimes Be an Ugly Place

The World Can Sometimes Be an Ugly Place

Three Lessons to Help Untangle Your Heart When Empathy Feels Absent

Humans are complex and diverse beings with different ways of thinking and behaving, if we believe this to be true. Then, why is the inability to show kindness or identify their own mistreatment of others a surprise? For those of us who are naturally empathetic and considerate, the internal capacity to appropriately address a lack of empathy in someone else is a balancing act. It's a contemplation of determining when to accept people for who and where they are and when to draw a mental boundary line of unacceptability. This article will not approach this from a psychological viewpoint of a lack of empathy and consideration for others. Instead, it will examine three ways I have unintentionally learned to perceive it. So, internally, I can stomach that not everyone has my same degree of compassion or ability to identify its absence.

Lesson #1: You cannot control the behavior of others; you are only in control of yourself. As wonderful as it would be to wave a magic wand and say to someone, you are not going to treat people that way, and it actually happens is not realistic and will not occur. Free will exists for a reason. When you challenge or inhibit a person’s right to exercise it, there will be pushback. I believe this is due to humans being creatures of habit, the desire to maintain the status quo or finding comfort in its familiarity. To better demonstrate pushback as a byproduct of challenged free will, take a look at history. What would become the United States of America broke away from Britain in part due to taxes being forced on the people. The civil war began because it challenged the status quo of a society's way of life.

Now, if you agree with the notion that you cannot control the behaviors of another person without pushback. Then, when it comes to a lack of empathy or consideration for others, you need to ask yourself the following question. Is it worth the attempt to guide them to behave differently and would this be worth your effort? Although your intentions may be good and intended for the betterment of the person. There is no guarantee it will increase the likelihood of a changed behavior. Your attempt could plant a seed for future change or it could be as if you were trying to run through a brick wall. Good things can come from people who challenge familiarity. Yet, the same can lead to your own heartache and frustration. For each unique situation, determine if the potential pushback is something you are willing to face.

Lesson #2: The manner in which you see the world is not the manner in which others may see it. There are different customs and norms between cultures. Why not apply this same idea to human differences outside of culture, such as personal values and upbringing? Your environment and your life experiences have shaped you. Others may not have had this same luxury. They may not even see it as a luxury at all.

Take this hypothetical yet most likely real for someone example, a woman who spends her time making dinner versus one who buys out. Let’s say the first woman sees making dinner as a labor of love, while the second woman sees it as a dreaded task for someone else. What if the woman who sees it as a dreaded task views it this way because it impedes the time she could be spending with her child? She values quality time over acts of service. Therefore, she doesn't see making dinner as a luxury, yet the other woman does. Since they view the same circumstance differently, they could have trouble relating to one another, making an empathetic reaction unrecognizable or even absent. Simple topics like meal preparation preferences are not the only areas where differences apply.

Another more complex example would be a wealthy person versus someone with much less wealth. Perhaps someone wealthy has trouble empathizing with someone who lives paycheck to paycheck, because it's a situation they have never encountered. Moreover, they may have been taught to view poorer people in a negative light or have preconceived ideas about them due to their societal status or the Societal status of the less wealthy individual. In this case, consideration for others unlike them can be an internal ignorance they are unaware of.

It's true some lack empathy and consideration because they were never taught, even if they were taught, some do not value differences in views and lifestyle. To address this type of situation, I have a phrase for you to think about. I am pretty certain you have at least heard one motivational speaker say something along the lines of You have to meet people where they are.

When it comes to this phrase, I believe an additional sentence should be added. So, with the additional sentence, it reads You should meet people where they are. Not where you expect them to be. The second sentence removes your expectation of other people behaving as you instinctively do. It turns what is self-induced emotional weight into an external observation. I found freedom in this approach. This approach does not suppress your emotional response to someone's lack of empathy or consideration; instead, it allows you to recognize their lack and not be entangled by it. You can still fully believe their behavior is unethical, wrong and without morals. However, if they do not see it this way or are unwilling to unlearn behavior, then allow them to be who they are. Believe who they show you they are and take your expectation off of them.

I'll give you a quick personal example of this in practice. So, I've never really been one to watch the news. There are often stories covered that are sad, unjust and lack human empathy. Recently, the government shutdown resulted in people not being paid for work and people not receiving food assistance. Morally, I cannot understand how those who were part of initiating and maintaining the shutdown still were receiving income while people the government serves did not. I also cannot understand how food assistance was tied directly to whether or not the government was shut down. It would be understandable if the country were under an imminent, immediate, and threatening crisis. But this was not the case. Although I believe the shutdown's effect on its own people lacked human consideration and empathy, I reminded myself the country does not always behave as I would expect. Secondly, it was good to see people within society stepping in to help those in need. Although this example demonstrated the principle using the country. It shows that even when a situation lacks human empathy and consideration, there are always those who identify the lack and step in where others are unable or unwilling to. This is a main takeaway of the next lesson.

Lesson #3: Maintain your empathy and consideration for others even when it appears to be nonexistent in another. This is not a lesson I personally have had to learn. However, when I was writing this article, it came to mind. The world can sometimes be an ugly place. Sometimes, the best course of action is to remain empathetic and considerate while simultaneously not accepting how someone is treated. Many grow up wanting or being taught to get along with everyone. In contrast, you don't have to like everyone is what I was taught. There are people I do not like because, by choice, they don't have empathy and are not considerate. But, it's more alarming if they show no concern at all. What I call the mental boundary line of unacceptability is an appropriate response to any of these traits. The boundary line is suitable for anything you strongly believe is unethical, wrong, without morals, emotionally damaging, and so on. It's a boundary line you create for yourself to be clear on what you deem acceptable by knowing what you belive to be the opposite.

I know it's not my place to pass judgment on them. However, it is my responsibility to identify what I do not like. So, I can intentionally safeguard against those characteristics developing in myself. More importantly, those characteristics can also be identified by others who can step in with compassion despite another person not having any.

One person's cruelty will initiate empathy and consideration within another person.

No one can wave a magic wand and give someone empathy and consideration. They can, however, firmly declare their own is unwavering regardless of somebody else's behavior. When your heart feels entangled by the lack, think of the lessons in this article and carry the characteristics you see lacking in someone or in a situation within yourself. No, you can't wave a wand, but you do have the power to choose how you behave.

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